I apologize for the lack of updates. I left last Thursday to visit family and didn’t return until last night. Things were too busy to find a chance to sit down and post any sooner than this. I suppose all things considered I’m okay with that. Since this is my first step at something entirely new I’m pretty sure I’m allowed to shoot from the hip.
When I first started the silence regimen, I really thought it’d be a cake walk. On the surface, I suppose it was. Go into a room, sit there for a while, leave. Not that intensive. Where things got tricky was the mental aspect of hanging out by yourself for an hour. I figured I would be able to get my mind reeled in after about twenty minutes, and spend the next forty having a conversation with God like the whole process was old-hat. Not so much.
Yes, my mind wandered for the first twenty minutes, but then it continued to do so until the entire hour was spent with me trying to force my attention to go somewhere other than random bits of song lyrics or comedy routines. I’d pray a little, write a little. Sit there… A lot. On my off nights I’d doze off, on my REALLY off nights I wouldn’t even manage to show up. I guess in the end what really got me was that the whole process felt like nothing. And that’s not necessarily a bad thing mind you… Our days are so filled with noise, thoughts, and busyness that the presence of nothing can be a jarring and refreshing sensation. My days tend to be pretty laid back. As such, this felt a little like more of the same… But.
The first night of silence I feel like I got the closest to being where I was supposed to be. I managed to genuinely quiet my thoughts down and be still. In that quiet, I began thinking about the road that led me to this place… I thought about all the ways and all the times God has not said a single word to me, and how upset that had made me. In the silence of that room, a thought ocurred to me that hadn’t in the previous years: Maybe God didn’t respond so that I would have to look for him.
This silence on His end could be a calculated move, not to frustrate, not to break, not to ruin me… But to force me to get off my ass and go looking for Him. To look under rocks I’d have never noticed, to stick my nose in places I never would have thought it might belong… Maybe this whole thing has been a game of hide and seek, and instead of turning my head and yelling “Ollie Ollie Oxen Free!” God is forcing me to actually look for him.
In my next post I’ll be sharing the direction I’m heading next.