I had written a new post last night but deleted it. It just didn’t feel real. Instead of giving you the filtered version of my thoughts, I’ve opted to share an excerpt of the journal I wrote in yesterday.
Skipped church again. It’s just so much easier to not go. A thought hit me yesterday, not for the first time.
Being Godly no longer appeals to me. There was a time when it was like a core trait. No matter what else went on, I believed that being a better Christian would make things even out.
That’s not entirely accurate. I got joy out of it. I felt better about life, the universe, and everything. Being set apart was something I wanted. It didn’t feel like a drag. Like I was missing out. I felt like I was doing something noble. Like I was becoming the closest thing to a Paladin this life offered.
Was I a better Christian or just a teenager then? Why is it when I hear about anyone taking their faith seriously, I have to fight the urge to roll my eyes? I seem to connect it with… What?
I do believe in God. More than that, I trust him. I just don’t know if I’m a grown up or a back sliding heathen.
God, please help me see which. Set me straight again. If I’m off, if my compass is pointing the wrong direction… Help me get it set back to North. This is something I’m not sure I can fix on my own. God, go in my heart and adjust things. Help me get to the point where I feel the way I should about things. Help me figure out who it is you want me to be. Help me understand what you’ve asked of me.
I’m not convinced that being Godly now will look the same as it did in 2002. I feel like a skyscraper with its foundation off by half a degree. 26 years of building later, and I’m crooked. I’m Rambo without the kick-ass. If this were a movie, this might be the part where my old commander finds me after “falling off the grid”. He tells me there’s a mission that only I can complete and it’s time to come out of retirement. There’s always some arguing, but in the end, the soldier always agrees. Hell. I used to kick ass. Serious ass. Maybe God will teach me how to do it again.
Ugh. Just defragment my brain. Teach me to be. Help me see. Align my priorities. Give me words. Give me stories. Help me say things that matter. Help these things that I say be heard. God, help me help others. Help me understand you well enough to describe you to the blind. Help me see your details. The little things. The things people miss. God, help me write/speak with conviction. With authority. With passion. Help me speak Truth that slips by people’s initial defenses but proceeds to haunt them into looking for you. Help me be the Christian you want me to be… without coming off as a total nut job.