I fear I may be in trouble, but not an obvious, overt kind. See, it wasn’t long ago when I knew I was way off base as far as Godstuff goes. It was something I was consistently aware of, even as I chose to close my eyes and stick my fingers in my ears and ignore it. There was always some kind of an alarm sounding, letting me know that things were not as they should be.
Now? Not so much… Things are definitely going better as far as God goes. I think about him more, I find myself pondering deeper things more frequently. Things are going pretty smoothly. And therein lies the danger. I have managed to reach a point in which I see where I am now, versus where I used to be, and it would be so easy to be content. Unfortunately, when I grow content, I also grow complacent.
Part of my psychological make-up is that I have an extraordinary amount of inertia. If I’m moving, I can barrel through anything… If I’ve come to a stop… Good luck getting me moving again. My spiritual life is the same way. Now that the alarms have stopped buzzing, it’s easier and easier for me to think less and less about it. When that happens, I drift. God starts seeming distant again, things start getting ugly, and hopefully at that point I come back over to things.
I guess, considering where I’m at now, the big focus is going to be remaining more than mindful of God. Despite how great things are going, I honestly couldn’t tell you the last time I said a prayer. I’ve… Sorta tried. I’ve pointed some words to God when no one else was in the room.
It feels so flat. Not necessarily empty, just… Flat. Lacking depth of any sort. Shallow, vacant, and largely unnecessary. I don’t know if this is God prompting me to push myself further on the ten day cycles that this blog was originally created to document, or if I just need to really batten down and make myself pray through the void.
I guess, in the name of doing something with myself, I’m going to make yet another marked effort into praying consistently. Not looking for anything major, not really after an epiphany… I’m hoping that if nothing else, the familiarity with prayer and God will help me feel like there’s more going on then talking to myself on the balcony.
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