I do my best to come up with fresh content for this blog two times a week. Some days are harder than others… If I’m honest, I’d say there are many more hard days than easy ones. The problem with having a blog based on sharing spiritual epiphanies… is that it requires spiritual epiphanies. If the epiph-o-meter is running low, then I’m left to scramble. Some days work out better than others, but as a whole, I’m rarely thrilled with posts that didn’t come about as a result of feeling like I have something to tell you that might help you think about God in a new way.
Earlier tonight, my mind went meta and I was able to look past the fact that I was having difficulty thinking of something to write about. I thought about Thursday’s post, which was the result of two days of trying to find something to say and more or less failing. Finally, my brain zoomed out enough to let me think about my habits and workflow.
If you’ve read my blog for any amount of time, you’ve probably heard me at least make a passing reference to The Great Silence. In short, the Great Silence was a period in which despite all my attempts to fix it, God seemingly went silent, and I was not happy about it. I wasted about five years being angry with God, and in the process, I heard nothing. There were absolutely no epiphanies to report to anyone.
As that period ended, I made a tentative peace with God and slowly tried to dip my toe back into the pool of church, fellowship, and knowing God. But I was still gun-shy. I was terrified that if I really tried to press my luck or put God to any kind of a test, there would be no discernible response, and I’d be forced to deal with the fact that God still wasn’t speaking to me. At the time, I felt, the best way for me to survive was to focus simply on restoring a relationship with God and hoping that everything else would work itself out.
Years ago, when I used to feel like God existed just on the edge of my peripheral vision, I was fond of saying “God is always whispering… If we can’t hear him, it’s because our life is turned up too loud.” After the Great Silence, I stopped saying that. On this side of the silence, I am forced to decide if I still believe that or not. As much as I never would have admitted it then, I think I still do.
Two years have passed since then. My relationship with God has grown and changed, and it’s good. But I’m beginning to realize that I’ve left the kid-gloves on when it comes to dealing with God.
It’s entirely possible I’m lacking inspiration because I’ve not been seeking it. At first, it was simply because I was scared to… Now? I’m pretty sure I’m just existing this way out of habit. I believe my faith has grown enough over the past two years to be able to withstand the lingering silence that fills the room after my prayers evaporate into the ceiling. God doesn’t owe me anything; not even revelations about who he is. I think if I, as a person, or this blog, are ever going to grow and go somewhere good… I’m going to have to take these gloves off and risk getting hurt while trusting all the while that I won’t.
Which, I guess, sends me careening back into the mission statement, the thesis of this blog if you will:
The part of me that knows that God is out there somewhere, misses him. I don’t know where he went, or why… But I’ve decided to dedicate myself to finding him again.
In short, I’m hunting for God in everything and anything I can think of. Clearly, simply reading my Bible and praying isn’t working… So, maybe he’ll speak to me through Lectio Divina? Hell, maybe he’ll speak to me through building something with my hands or through Yoga. The bottom line is what I’ve been doing (…nothing, mostly) isn’t working for me anymore. If I’m going to get to a place where I feel fulfilled, I’m going to have to DO something to get there.
As of this moment, I’m not entirely sure what that will mean. I don’t know what it will look like. It may or may not be the structured format that I originally intended for this blog. I guess the bottom line here is that one way or another, I’m going to try and carve out a space for God to live in each day of my life. Any of you have suggestions on places and ways in which you’ve found him?