“Don’t hope. It’s done.”
These were the words spoken to my wife by her openly unmedicated bipolar masseuse. Just prior to that moment, the masseuse mentioned Leah had some sizable knots in her shoulders. Leah brushed off the comment and said it was probably how she sleeps, and the masseuse said, “No… I feel like something big is happening in your life right now. What’s up?”
Leah went on to tell her about her husband and how hard he’s been working to get this promotion at work. It would be a pretty life-changing type thing if he got it. At this, her masseuse was silent for a few moments and then said, “I feel like God wants you to know he’s got it.” Leah, not used to being prophesied over, especially when she’s wearing a towel, attempted to go along with it, simply saying, “I sure hope so.” To which the masseuse replied, “Don’t hope. It’s done.”
Last week I wrote about the promotion I’m going after. In the week since then, several people have spoken to Leah and I about it. Some simply wish us the best, and others seem to feel a certainty I can only envy. So much so, that Leah and I have looked around and wondered if we’re the only people on the planet who aren’t sure about this.
Sometimes I write posts in which I do my best to present you with an idea or at least a perspective you might not have considered before. Some posts I end up ranting and falling into a series of tangential holes until I can barely remember from whence I started. I think this one, is simply asking a series of questions. If you, the reader, feel as though you have an answer to any of them, by all means, please let me know what you’re thinking because I’m kind of at a loss.
I’ve been asking myself if the fact that I’m still nervous about this promotion means that I lack faith in God. At the very heart of the issue I’m about to explore is the question of whether or not my heart and actions display a lack of faith or simply a pragmatic mind. Let’s explore.
Here’s the thing, I am nervous about the meeting with the VP tomorrow. Tomorrow I find out, in broad strokes, if I will be allowed to work with video full time, and hopefully if a raise will be involved. My heart is beating faster just having typed that sentence. According to Leah’s masseuse, I’ve got nothing to worry about; God has already got it handled. I want to believe that. And when I look back at all of the little “coincidences” that I have perpetually fallen into during the past few months, it seems ridiculous to think that this isn’t ordained by God.
But what if it isn’t?
That’s the question that worries me right now. Sunday in Church I wrote in my journal:
Here’s What I Know:
- I love God.
- God loves me.
- He wants what’s best for me.
- His perspective is bigger than mine.
The last thought is the stick in the mud that’s tripping me up. Let’s get meta for a second and think about our own lives. Let’s say you want something. You want it bad. Really bad. You work towards it, you do your best to achieve it, you pray for it. But what if the thing you’re working for is to shoot lasers out of your nipples? Just because you want it and pray for it, doesn’t necessarily mean it’s going to happen. What if the thing you’re working toward just isn’t part of God’s plan? What if he has something else for you? I know that if this doesn’t work out, it’s because God can see my entire life playing out in front of him at once, and he knows how this one event will affect countless paths that I could walk down in the future.
So I guess, maybe in that way I do have faith… Because it’s never been a question to me as to whether or not God will do what’s best for me… the question is if what I want is what God wants. And as far as that goes, how do we know? Without God speaking in a booming voice and saying “This is my child, with whom I am well pleased”, how do we know if we’re on the right track?I don’t have an answer to that, so all I can do is continue to want, to work, and to pray for it.
If you’re reading this right now, it would mean the world to me if you would be willing to maybe say a prayer on my behalf. As I said earlier, tomorrow morning I meet with the Vice President of Customer Service, I don’t believe he’s the main decision maker, but he’s the one that will tell me that yes, it looks good… Or no, it’s probably not going to happen. Beyond that, I’m not sure what will come from the conversation. Best case scenario means the conversation includes a time frame and possibly the topic of compensation.
I think I’ve decided I’m going to post this blog when I’m finished writing it instead of waiting until tomorrow morning. More eyes will probably hit it this evening, and I could use all the prayer I can get. I’m not sure the details about how prayer interacts with God’s plans and if he changes his mind based on them, but I do know he works everything out for good. And I really think this job could be good.