An Ominous Halo of Doom

A sense of unease has been tailing me for nearly a week, and I’m not sure what to do about it. It’s getting harder to ignore, but focusing on it hasn’t brought about any results. I feel a little broken. A little messy. When I try to really zero in on what the problem is, all I can come up with is that something feels wrong. Not like, in some huge tragic kind of way…Just that some part of my beliefscape is a little… off. Like, it’s totally possible that something I said in one of my posts last week is completely unfounded and antithetical to the truth. The problem is, I have no clue what that could be.

I think, and I’m not sure, mind you, but I think the error exists somewhere in the realm of my understanding about the whole job insanity I’ve been living through the past few weeks. I guess I’m leaning in that direction because this particular sense of wrongness didn’t start to manifest until after I started reasoning my way through the job debacle last week.

That’s all the direction I’ve got. Despite spending some time talking at God and really trying to hear something back, all I’m picking up is radio silence. That part I’d be used to… but it’s the fact that He’s apparently willing to let me know that I’m seemingly wrong about something, but not telling me what that’s making me crazy. To quote the great writing duo, Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett:

God does not play dice with the universe: He plays an ineffable game of His own devising which might be compared, from the perspective of any of the other players (*i.e., everybody), to being involving in an obscure and complex version of poker in a pitch-dark room, with blank cards, for infinite stakes, with a Dealer who won’t tell you the rules and who smiles all the time. –Good Omens

Right now, I feel like God is a Dealer who won’t tell me the rules and smiles all the time. I’ll be honest… It’s getting a little unsettling.There’s also a part of me that wonders if I’m just existing too inside my own head right now. It’s entirely possible I’m just over thinking things… That’s kind of how nerds roll. (I’ve had no luck convincing myself that’s true over the past several days.)

I don’t know. Something is wrong, and I don’t know what it is. Honestly, with God having become seemingly so quiet, I have no clue if I’m on the right track or not. Usually I can look at myself objectively and know more or less if I’m living a life that God would be proud of, but right now I just feel totally lost in that regard. When I imagine God looking down at me, I can’t quite tell if that’s a smirk or a snarl.Honestly, at this point I’d be fine with a snarl because at least then I’d know I had something I needed to fix and could focus on doing that. As it is, I just feel a little lost. If any of you are familiar with the storm cloud sitting upon your head like an ominous halo of doom, I’d love to hear what you do to get out from under it.

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3 responses to “An Ominous Halo of Doom

  1. Paul,

    For starters – the language you use with yourself (at least in this blog and I think often in your life) is a hindrance to your solving of problems like this. When you use words like right or wrong and you put it on someone else to decide which of these you are, you’ve put yourself in a place where you are easily subject to your emotions and yet still not responsible for how they act. Teach yourself to use language that doesn’t exist only in absolutes.

    For laters – Stop letting yourself think that you’re a bad boy. Eat some chocolate. Stop waiting for God to smooth out the difficult times in your life. Kick “the dealer” out of the chair and deal your own cards.

  2. I may speak plainly in absolutes, but I think I’m typically pretty good at mentally encompassing “the gray areas”. The fact is, at the time things /were/ feeling… off? wrong? and those were the only words that felt accurate to the sensation. I do disagree with what you said about asking others to decide if I’m right or wrong… I think in this post and others like it I’m simply reporting on where my head is at when I’m writing… At no point do I feel I’m polling the public court of opinion to verify how I feel… I guess I’m mostly just asking if anyone else has ever felt the same way.

    I’m not positive what you mean by the “bad boy” comment. I don’t feel like I’m waiting on God to make everything hunky-dory, but when I spontaneously start feeling like there might be a problem I think asking for some clarity and direction is in order, even if the answer is that my head is just in the wrong place and I’m making the whole thing up.

  3. Pingback: A Wifely God « Hunting for God·

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